no purpose
More and more I realise that my lack of purpose, a real purpose in life is what’s really bothering me, and leading to a whole host of adverse behaviours and emotions. Like feeling lost, useless and depression.
Due to the nature of my chronic illness I don’t have a job. So come monday morning, when the grumpy kid has been delivered at school and my spous is off to her job, I am left alone in the house. Some days I really look forward to this alone time in a quiet house, I get to do what I want, when I want it, however slow or loud I want to. But more often than not I am left with an empty feeling. I sit down at my desk, full of ideas and desires, but no real drive or motivation to start a project. Or something else is blocking me from just getting to it. And this blockade is annoying the f*ck out of me. I just want to be able to sit down, concentrate and hammer our a page or two of text, or make painting, of do something else productive and satisfying.
Then I slowly start feeling guilty during the morning, for not doing something usefull, or productive, or mentally stimulating. Basically just rotting away the time while scrolling, browsing and faffing around. And that guilt I start to feel when the morning creeps closer to twelve a clock compounds when I realise how many writers, artists or photographers would absolutely love the opportinity to have the freedom to just work on their craft for a whole day. Without having to go to a silly job to earn money. So I am actually in a very luxurious position, then why does it not feel this way? Why and I jealous of people who go to an office and get to work on something bigger, talk to collegues and have lunch together. And go home at the end of the day after having produced something. Don’t get me wrong, I know loads of people hate their jobs and have the feeling they are really not doing a lot a usefull things during the day. But the thing is, neither am I.
And so starts every morning, especially on monday, where I tell myself the nightbefore that this morning will be different. I will wake up early, sit down and journal two pages to clear my mind, I will turn off my phone, and after everybody leaves the house I will start a project. Any project really, but something non the less. Unfortunately, I lack the drive. I lack the ambition, the motivation, the perseverence, the clarity of mind.
So my conclusion is I should first really try to adjust my character traits that are always in the way. But how exactly do I do that? Smaller goals? Pomodoro timers? Throw away my iPhone?
Or should I just try to find something that gives me purpose? Like a volunteer job somewhere. In the hopes that the purpose and sattisfaction I receive from doing that job will have a possitive affect on my mental health, which in turn hopefully leads to more motivation and less guilt.